Treasures in the Empty Nest

If cleaning out the kids’ closets weren’t satisfying enough, finding perhaps the cutest note ever written (this from the mother’s perspective of course), turns the sense of accomplishment into a moment of pure joy. I was reminded of that question Marie Kondo asks when she forces her subjects to empty the entire content of their closets and go through each item on by one: “Does it bring you joy?” Any hesitation and it’s tossed triumphantly in the give-away pile. Clutter beware! How much joy can be found in one closet?

I found it. Between the worn-out sweatshirts, too tiny shorts, baseball cleats not worn enough to toss and t-shirts with various bar/bat mitzvah names boldly printed in thematic fonts, a small stack of old notes and cards. Back from the days when the first kid was at sleep away camp and the second kid stayed at home with various summer activities and time alone with mom and dad, wondering what it would be like to be away like a “big” kid.

I vaguely remember that bee stinging day. What drama at Audubon camp! Knowing that my sweet son, I think 8 or 9 at the time, had a rough day getting stung by a bee, I expect I gave him and extra-long hug when he got home. I imagine how it must have happened so fast – one kid stepping on the hive, swarming bees everywhere, kids running frantically, screaming even, hoping they won’t get stung. Only four lucky ones who must have breathed sighs of relief but felt bad for the others too. I bet the committed counselors provided support, maybe some soothing ointment, back then maybe even a comforting hug (it will be a nice day when a counselor can hug a camper again).

Ignoring the adorable spelling and grammar mishaps, I will focus on the fact that this letter to his big sister is filled with such unintended wisdom. Seeing an experience through the eyes of a child can give the simple clarity that adults so often miss. Maybe we have so many other things on our minds that the yin and yang of any given day has no time to be processed. The simple reporting of his day – being stung by a bee, the rain, then the dinner – and the insightful conclusion: “It was a fun day, well sort off.” (keeping the spelling intact here, as perhaps the day was also “off” thanks to those nasty bees). Processing his day as neither all good nor all bad, some ancient Chinese philosophy is already at work, unknowingly, in his writing.

Side bar: another thing I love so much about this note is that there is some secret sibling message in the end. And about the wise Yoda nonetheless! I wonder what the question was? 

A day after savoring my son’s simple yet profound words, I encountered some related wisdom during a meditation class. We now live in a world where it has become possible to absorb the wisdom of a yogiraj (an advanced yogi) without being in their physical presence. Zoom fatigue be gone! All seven chakras and my Zoom square are fully present!

“Balance the fear with the love,” he said, speaking of the election while trying not to get too political. It was one-week post-election; I guess he could feel our collective anxiety emanating out of his computer screen. His teachings offered some calming philosophical insights, and then we started our 18-minute meditation (yes, for some reason that I still don’t fully understand, we learn to sit in silence for 18 minutes. And yes, it feels long! Practice, practice, practice).

The words stayed with me longer than the meditative state (for the record, the meditation, while I haven’t reached 18 minutes of bliss yet, is most definitely a beneficial habit for this one yogi). One yang to all of my 2020 yin is that I have time. My unemployed, smaller small business, empty nesting pandemic life has led me to something that I have wanted to do for several years – a yoga teacher training. Namaste to me!

Balance the fear with the love.

That’s what is happening now. Every day, in our own ways, we try to balance the fear we feel with whatever we can find to counter it. No matter what our risk factors are or what “side” our fear comes from, we are all living together (sort of) in a pandemic, experiencing a time of political divisiveness, economic hardship and social struggle. Trying to find the balance when so many forces and circumstances are creating imbalance.

I carry my son’s youthful wisdom and my yogiraj’s learned practices with me as the days move forward. My husband rants with anger about the audacity of Republican leaders spreading fear and doubt about voter fraud and the outcome of the election. I try to just listen to his anger without putting up my protective wall. “What are you afraid of?” I ask. “I’m afraid there will be violence” he says, speaking more calmly now. I walk over, hold his sweet boy face and scratchy beard in my hands and kiss his check. A simple and supportive kiss, not the sexy kind.

Balance the fear with the love.

So, while I make new space in my life, cleaning out closets and reaching for a more meditative spacious mind, I also struggle with the awareness of how much fear and hate there is in the world. I realize it has always been there, I was just lucky enough (naïve enough?) to not be so acutely aware, at least not in the daily sense that is so present now. I treasure my son’s little window of wisdom, and I open to the broader more esoteric practice of reaching samadhi (being in the now). In the coming weeks, I will welcome the season of gratitude and love. My husband and I will happily welcome our kids back into the nest; we will rebalance the flow of our days, but I won’t forget how many people are suffering and full or fear. I will relish the days that are fun, even if only sort of.

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